Opening Up

It has now been seven weeks since I have been back from Africa. It has taken me seven weeks to decompress, release the suppressed sadness, and allow my heart to open up completely to all I experienced and felt. Many of you have said after talking to me, I haven’t even heard about your trip yet. And as I would go to talk about it, I just couldn’t find the words. I couldn’t find the words because I was still paralyzed by the immensity of the problems that I saw. I knew I had seen something so big, and that so many people had supported me to go over there, and yet I felt like I was coming back empty handed. I didn’t want to disappoint anyone or tell you something less than you had hoped to hear. I began to realize that the pictures didn’t do justice to what I witnessed. And at the moment, my heart could not go to the place where the pain was stored. Uganda, Zambia, Tanzania, Kenya: these places are all filled with children in need, dire conditions where children are left orphaned and hungry. And then I began to think, this is not just in Africa, it IS WORLDWIDE. And suddenly I realized what else Africa did for me. It brought me to my own grief; a grief that I never mentioned on my trip. One I felt was unnecessary to talk about. But now I see the relevance.

My mom passed away a little over four years ago. It was hard for me then, the hardest thing I have ever been through. I stayed strong through it all, I gained a sense of strength for my family that I never knew I had. I continued on with my life and made sure to get out of bed every morning, because life still had to go on. But the hole, the loss, the broken cord cannot be covered up, as much as I may have tried to make it disappear. Africa brought me to my breaking point. The loss of not having my mother tore at me on every moment of my trip. I was not only able to see the pain of the sick, lonely and hurting children, the mother’s who were still there to hold their sick children, the parents who were suffering from their own illness, the hospitals full of despair, I was able to FEEL it with them. I went into that space and knew their loneliness. It CANNOT be covered up. When I think of Smile Africa, of 400 children who everyday, no matter what attempt they use to cover it up, are alone, it devastates me, and I am ashamed because couldn’t I do MORE!

So what more can I do? I can attempt to bring it to your attention. I can look around while I am in the states and see where I can help here, and how I can continue to help worldwide. I was reading an article on a book called The Hole of Our Gospel by Rich Stearns. He mentions that Jesus was described by Isaiah as, “a man of sorrows… acquainted with grief” (53:3 NKJV). He felt compassion for all of those in need that he encountered. When I look at the many losses and family hard ships (my loving grandma’s death in my teens, my amazing and compassionate mom’s passing, my divorce, my father and sister both diagnosed with cancer in the last 3 years, the passing of my aunt upon my return from Africa and a few losses of others close to me) I have experienced in the last four years, I can see clearly now that God has been preparing my heart to be an empathetic one. I broke down into tears the other night for the first time since my trip back home. Oh, and it felt great! And I think I can see more clearly now. I can see my losses as a gift to be much more understanding of the world around me. I can work to open my heart so that I can truly be of service.
Now I can take the thoughts of when I first returned to the states of “how could I have not done more?” to say, “what more CAN I do?” and recognize that the small gestures, contact I did make, was enough for right then. You begin to realize that it is not always what you can bring to them in material form, but how you can just make an impact with your heart. With love. It is holding a hand, giving a hug or even just making eye contact and smiling from a far distance away, that sometimes makes more of an impact than anything material you can give. People, and children most, are looking to be loved and looking for a place to feel safe. To feel safe and to KNOW you are OK, to KNOW that someone LOVES you; isn’t that something we all search for?

Africa is beautiful and rich, not only in it’s landscape, but in its people. It is in my heart forever.